The Tomato

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A public service announcement from the Tomato

Edits by Marta Kierkus

Haters. We’ve all heard of them before, but as it turns out, they are not just some mythical boogeyman created by Internet culture. They are very real.

The existence of haters—individuals who preoccupy themselves with slandering famous people—has been known to the public since rapper B.o.B released his single “Haterz Everywhere” in 2007, and perhaps even earlier. But since then, the hater scare in North America has been on the rise, so much so that many high-profile musicians feel their freedom is being threatened.

In 2009, rapper Drake commented on the power these people can wield in his song “Light Up”: “I just want to tell the truth, before one of these haters load a couple shells and shoot.”

Here, we can see that haters are not just a minor annoyance that can be easily ignored—they are a radical, subversive group that wishes to harm North America’s royalty.

This year, pop artist Taylor Swift released her hit single “Shake It Off” in the hopes of providing her fellow celebrities with some defensive strategies on how to deal with this constant threat. She sings: “And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. I shake it off, I shake it off.” Marvelous lyricism that speaks the hard truth.

Well Taylor, the rest of America is shaking, too. Unfortunately, they’re shaking from fear.

What’s truly terrifying about haters is that they cannot be easily identified. They could be anywhere at any time. They could be delivering our mail, policing our streets, teaching our children, all the while spreading their hateful manifestos unexpectedly to innocent and undeserving celebrities.

The Tomato landed an exclusive interview with up-and-coming Topeka, Kansas-based synth-pop and polka fusion artist KeyKei Reese. KeyKei had quite the riveting experience with a hater that should stand as a precautionary tale to all aspiring celebrities.

“I was really just getting popular online,” she said. “I thought I was on top of the world until one day I started noticing there was someone commenting on all my stuff. I didn’t know what to do—this person was saying the meanest stuff about me.”

KeyKei also noticed the comments were getting awfully personal.

“The things this person said just got too weird,” the artist went on to say. “He or she was making fun of how I sleep and eat and that I smell like onion and mayo sandwiches. I couldn’t figure it out, until one day I walked into my brother’s room and found him commenting on my videos.”

KeyKei’s experience is irrefutable proof that haters could be in your home right now. They could even be members of your own family. No one is truly safe anymore.

The day we let haters take over is the day the last of the world’s moral fabric is torn apart. We are now living in a world where an honest celebrity can no longer live a happy and peaceful life without a hater coming in to bring them down. The rich and famous used to be able to flourish and be freely loved by all, until these radical hellions came to tear their magnificent societal contributions to pieces.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t fight back.

If you or anyone you know is involved in hater-related activities, please contact the Celebrity Anti-Hater League right away. You will be doing your country a world of good.