The Tomato

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Subculture’s tight pants pose grave threat to latest Apple product

Photo by Suzannah Vo

To combat the “Bendgate” controversy, Apple has decided to outright ban hipsters from buying the new iPhone 6.

This is in response to widespread reports that the structural integrity of the new models has been compromised by the narrow folds in people’s pockets. Since hipsters sport the tightest pants of any demographic, Apple believes this is the best policy to prevent further damages to their reputation.

“We wish no ill will against the hipsters of the world,” said Apple chairman Arthur Levinson. “These stylish, non-conforming bohemians have definitely helped Apple become a household name. However, we’re pretty confident that the burgeoning tech-savvy mom market can help us pick up the slack.”

The decision was met with outrage in the hipster community, as legions of trendy 20-somethings mourn the loss of a product that’s helped define their Wes Anderson-esque personalities since 2007.

“It’s almost like losing an arm or a leg or something,” said Theodore Wexler III, a part-time barista who attends the University of Ottawa. “Now, without the iPhone, how am I supposed to feel a smug sense of superiority when I check my Instagram or blog about gluten-free baked goods?”

Many have asked how Apple could even consider such a decision. But upon closer examination of the hardware warranty for the last three iPhones, it’s actually perfectly legal.

Under Article 35 subsection D of the agreement, Apple’s policy states: “If the average tightness of a subculture’s attire threatens the structural integrity of any Apple product, then Apple has the legal right to prohibit all members of this subculture from purchasing any specific product.”

Since studies have shown that only 0.001 per cent of Apple users actually take the time to read the company’s lengthy and weirdly specific terms and conditions before agreeing to them, it seems like hipsters have unknowingly signed away their right to own the latest iPhone.

Some have begun to look for loopholes in this policy.

Giganto, a company that specializes in third-party accessories for Apple products, recently announced they’re in the planning stages of developing special iPhone 6 pants.

“These skinny jeans maintain the same figure-hugging, testicle-crunching feel that hipsters have come to expect,” said Giganto spokesperson Leigh Bluntson. “But instead of tight pockets, these pants come shipped with burlap sacks which are sewn on the outside of each pant leg. This should provide ample room for all your iPhone 6 storing needs—and plus, people will be all like, ‘Are those burlap sacks on those pants? That’s so retro.’”

Regardless of these promising developments, some hipsters feel betrayed by Apple and are willing to move on with their lives.

“Maybe it’s about time I adopted a new lifestyle that doesn’t revolve around tech savviness and mean-spirited irony,” said Wexler. “Still, for the next iPhone launch I’ll definitely miss the excitement of waiting in lines for days. Now all I have to look forward to is waiting in lines at the post office like a chump.”