The Tomato

Russian president comes out of the closet

Photo courtesy of Getty Images

THE WORLD IS still in shock after last week’s discovery that Russian President Vladimir Putin is gay.

Putin’s sexual orientation made international news after Dr. Igor Radmonovich, director of the Russian Ministry of National Defence (RMND), walked into the president’s office for a meeting and saw the president locking lips with another man. Before stumbling out of the office, Dr. Radmonovich snapped a photo of the two men kissing—an image that has made the rounds on the Internet

The scandal created such an uproar that the RMND launched an immediate investigation into the details of Putin’s past love life. The ministry announced yesterday that its findings have confirmed Putin is in fact homosexual, and has been an active member in the LGBTQ+ community during his whole term in office.

News of Putin’s homosexuality has mystified people all over the world. This past June, Putin signed a bill to outlaw the distribution, display, or demonstration of any sort of homosexual propaganda involving anyone under the age of 18. This bill makes discussions about any “non-traditional sexual relations” among minors illegal for anyone living in Russia. The fines for disobeying the new law start at $152 for individuals and range up to $15,000 for companies choosing to spread any such propaganda.

Putin also signed a decree in August banning all protests and gay parades during the 2014 Winter Olympics, which will take place in February in Sochi, Russia.

Homosexuals and heterosexuals have been combatting Russia’s new anti-gay laws by raising awareness across the world, with many planning to show their support for the LGBTQ+ community by boycotting the Winter Olympics. But after the revelation regarding Putin’s own sexual orientation, people are starting to see these laws in a new light: the desperate lashing out of a man insecure with his own sexuality.

In an interview with the Fulcrum, United States President Barack Obama said that news of Putin’s sexual orientation forced him to re-evaluate relations between the United States and Russia.

“New shit has come to light. Now we know why we don’t cooperate more effectively than we should,” said Obama.

“Every decision Putin has made in office must now be understood as an overaggressive attempt to appear like the traditional Russian image of male heterosexuality. The thousands of photos taken with his shirt off, the no-tolerance stance on Syria—it all makes sense now.

“Putin’s lack of comfort with his own sexuality is a far deeper cause of concern than any anti-proactive cold war mentality in Russia at this moment. I think we need Dr. Phil,” said Obama.

Putin could not be reached for comment, as he was summoned to St. Petersburg by the RMND to explain his actions directly to the statue and spirit of Peter the Great—another Russian leader who was said to have taken out his own insecurities on those around him.