The Tomato

Workers sent with hammers to make Ottawa’s doors safer

Photo by Tina Wallace

The City of Ottawa has banned all sliding glass doors to help those who are absent-minded from walking into these invisible barriers.

The new by-law was inspired by a proactive door policy in Vancouver, where all doorknobs in the city were recently banned. The sliding door ban includes electronic sliding glass doors at commercial properties such as Future Shop, and manual doors found commonly in private homes.

City workers armed with hammers will make their way across the city throughout December, smashing any glass doors in sight.

Ottawa mayor Jimmy Watson believes the ban will make the city a safer place to live.

“Door-related injuries were becoming an epidemic,” said Watson. “People have become so attached to their phones that they forget to look up, or protect themselves with their hands.

“Last week we needed to shut down the Rideau Centre and call a state of emergency. Our citizens can rest assured that this ban has made the city safe once again.”

This ban, which will also make it mandatory for new doors to be equipped with foam padding, has received a lot of support on Parliament Hill and is likely going to be adopted into federal law by early 2014.

Prime Minister Stevie Harper, in an exclusive interview with the Tomato, fully supported the ban because of a traumatizing experience he had with a sliding glass door as a child.

“I’ve always had a large head, even as a child,” said Harper. “When I was a little boy, I ran head first into a sliding glass door thinking it was open and smashed the glass. I was stuck there for over an hour until my mother found me and was able to call 911.”

Toronto mayor Rob Ford said he hopes the ban will be adopted into his city to prevent him from similar embarrassment.

“The last thing I need is to walk into a glass door when I’m inebriated,” said Ford. “Glass doors think they are tough, but I could probably take one out in five to 15 minutes. No, give me 10 minutes with the door and I’ll knock it out. Wait, what are we talking about?”