The Tomato

The monster is friendly, as long as you don't irritate it. Image: Dasser Kamran/Fulcrum
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If you don’t freeze your toes off, they might get bitten off

The Rideau Canal Skateway closed on Feb. 22 following reports of a river monster spotted below the ice.

Patrons of the skateway claimed to have seen a large, scaly monster break through the ice in the early morning, resulting in the subsequent closure.

Froy Zonn, a second-year bioengineering student, recalls nearly encountering the monster while going for a late-night skate.

“I was just minding my own business when the ice started rumbling. I thought it was my stomach for a minute — I just had shawarma,” said Zonn.

“I wasn’t sure if I was just zonked but I saw a huge dark figure swim beneath me under the ice. I got so scared that I hopped off and walked like 20 minutes home.”

The Ottawa Police Service has announced they received roughly half a dozen different reports in relation to a canal monster. 

Though they originally declined to investigate the matter as “monsters aren’t our jurisdiction,” there will be a collaboration between them and animal control in the following week.

Di Daniels, a fourth-year Greek and Roman studies student, is fairly familiar with reports of a canal monster.

“They’re like the Loch Ness monster, but actually deadly,” she said. “A lot of locals refer to it as ‘Maple’ because it’s the most Canadian pet name kids can think of.”

“People are just overreacting — Maple hasn’t hurt anyone in maybe a year. As long as you don’t go skating too late or litter the river, you’ll survive … probably.”