The Tomato

The BOG is going all out to tackle foul language. Photo: Jaclyn McRae-Sadik.
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Members say something just doesn’t smell right

After MP Elizabeth May recently challenged her colleague’s use of  the word “fart” in the House of Commons, the University of Ottawa’s Board of Governors (BOG) has announced it will follow suit.

“Sure, rising tuition levels are an issue, but the real problem is our use of indecorous language, like the word ‘F-A-R-T,’” said Gobert Riroux, chairman of the BOG. “It’s fucking ridiculous the language that’s allowed. What a shitshow.”

The controversy started when incoming university president Fraques Jémont made a juvenile joke during a recent budget presentation to the board.

“Faculty of Arts? More like Faculty of Farts, amirite?” he said.

The assembled board members looked at him, aghast. Several members put their hands over their ears, while others just shook their heads gravely. As Jémont sadly put his whoopie cushion back into his briefcase, the majority decided the language needed to be dealt with immediately.

“I was shocked, shocked!” exclaimed board member Thomas Mann. “In my 52 years on this earth, I have never heard such filth.”

The BOG currently has a set of regulations to deal with the language that’s used by its members. The Wording Indecency Nomenclature Declaration (WIND) has been in effect since 1922, and sets out guidelines for what can and can’t be said at the BOG. However, many members are claiming the wording is too vague.

“With the current behaviour of some members of the board, WIND is not working any more,” said BOG member Catherine Jones. “The BOG has officially broken WIND.”

When asked what prompted her to raise issues with the existing rules, Jones said, “I can’t put my finger on it, but something just didn’t smell right.”

In order to fix the problem, Jones suggested the board should pass a new motion with much clearer language, the General Amendment on Semantics (GAS).

At the recent BOG meeting, Jones stood up and made an impassioned speech on the new motion.

“Golly guys, after all this foul language the board needs to take immediate action,” she said. “The BOG needs to pass GAS and they need to do it now.”

The motion was on the cusp of succeeding, when one rogue board member raised an objection.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot let this gross injustice stand,” said Robert Malthus, another BOG member. “I’m sure my colleague would like to recant her use of the word ‘G-O-L-L-Y.’”

Jones, equally offended, retorted, “Absolutely, as soon as my colleague recants his use of the word ‘G-R-O-S-S.’”

This back and forth exchange continued for several hours, until the board reached the point of exhaustion.

In the end, the board was presented with a new motion, the Foulness Undoing Creation for Karma (FUCK). This motion states, in no uncertain terms, that any language that could  be construed as rude will not be acceptable at BOG meetings.

“I think FUCK solves all our problems here,” said Jones. “I’m happy we had such a productive meeting.”