Murder, disappearance, and disembowelment strike fear into gourds

With September here and the leaves starting to change colour, local pumpkin Molly Pumpkington expresses fear for the lives of her seven children with  the rapidly approaching pumpkin spice season.

“Autumn is only a few weeks away and I know that this is the time when I have to be most vigilant,” Pumpkington saysand for good reason. Her husband, Albert Pumpkington, was killed last fall to be brewed up in a pumpkin spice latte, and since then, she says “the fear has been constant.”

Murders such as Mr. Pumpkington’s are rare, but abductions, disembowelment, and other violent behaviour towards the pumpkins are common this time of year.

According to Pumpkington, some of the most popular coffee shops begin to send out recruiters as early as August. Although local law enforcements have been notified, larger shops are rumoured to be bribing officials with pumpkin spice beverages.   

Molly and her children live on Drury Lane, a street that’s notorious for misconduct towards pumpkins, but they aren’t the only ones concerned.

A group of gingerbread people further down the road have been complaining about similar problems such as shady characters lurking behind their gingerbread houses.   

“I recently told my children about their icings and how it would be an honourary moment for them and our family. The next day a recruiter came and offered free icing to themno charge,” says Dave Jube Jube, a gingerbread man and father of two.

“Icing” is a traditional gingerbread ceremony of growth and maturation and is taken very seriously amongst those who perform it. As such, Jube Jube believes that the actions of the shop owners are nothing more than disgraceful. According to Jube Jube, gingerbread, similar to pumpkin spice, is becoming a new fad that needs to be put to rest.

When asked to comment on the suspicious behaviour on Drury Lane and other troubled neighbourhoods, most shop owners declined to respond. John Basic, owner of a local business called Free from Fad, is trying to make a positive change in his community. His new business provides affordable beverages with basic flavours for the everyday consumer.

“I’ve seen firsthand how bad things are for these folks and know that change is needed,” says Basic. He adds that it was Mr. Pumpkington’s murder that pushed him to start his own business and begin to bring relief to families on Drury Lane and surrounding areas.

“John’s business is wonderful for this community,” says Mrs. Pumpkington. “I hope to see more of its kind in the future as we continue to get word out about the dangers that we face daily.”

Pumpkington is holding onto the hope that justice will come soon for her and her children. Businesses like Basic’s are helping out, but for now she must keep her young ones on a short vine as pumpkin spice season begins in earnest.