Antipathy towards the student press leads to confusion and chaos

Antagonism between the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and student media is reaching unprecedented heights, and the Tomato is right in the thick of it.

Tensions began to rise after incoming SFUO president Wadi Hess publicly called out French-language newspaper la Rotonde over the calibre of their reporting.

But it didn’t stop there. Oh no.

At a recent SFUO board meeting, Hess stood up and exclaimed, “The Tomato is fake news! It’s the fakest of them all!”

Students everywhere were floored by this bold accusation.

“I can’t believe anyone would question the integrity of the Tomato,” said Robert Grahamson, a fourth-year criminology student. “They broke the story about Justin Trudeau speaking Klingon, for crying out loud!”

“The Fulcrum and la Rotonde, sure, they’re sketchy at best,” said Darby Kyleson. A third-year chemistry student. “But I consider the Tomato to be the paragon of student—nay, Canadian—journalism.”

“People don’t realize how serious we are here at the Tomato,” said David Ericson, the paper’s editor-in-chief. “We’ve actually won 200,000 Pulitzer Prizes, three Golden Globes, and a Dongle Award. How’s that for fake news?”

But Hess wasn’t the only SFUO exec to take issue with the Tomato’s editorial decisions.

“I mean, the stuff they report is wildly inaccurate,” said vice-president finance Richie Lachic. “I’m honestly starting to think they just make this stuff up.”

Vice-president of services and communications Crancesco Faruso also took issue with some of the Tomato’s work.

“Okay sure, their articles about spying microwaves and political handshake courses were on point, but what they wrote about people tampering with the SFUO election? Ridiculous!”

“It’s about time someone called those guys out,” said Avannah Sawde, a fourth-year communications student. “They wrote an article about a prof named “Roland Paris”… That’s not a real name!”

In the end, the SFUO decided to take matters into their own hands—they would try and take control of the Tomato by getting on its board of directors.

Lachic said that after much consideration, it was a necessary move.

“They’re just collecting student money and flouting the rules for their own personal gain, with lots of students speaking out against them,” he said. “Like, who does that?”

However, the SFUO plot ended in confusion when the directions to the Tomato’s board meeting lead the executives to the produce section of the Rideau Loblaw’s instead. Since it wasn’t student discount day, everyone went home in a sour mood.

“I’m not paid enough to deal with all this nonsense,” said Lachic.

“Whatever, I’m done with this,” said Hess. “Keeping Up with the Boardashians is on soon, and I never miss an episode.”

tomatoad