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Financial, cultural capital in Canada expected to nosedive

Closed down Rob Ford joke factory, Photo: sabotrax, CC. Eidts Marta Kierkus

During last Monday’s municipal elections, the world watched in shock as the Ford mayoral dynasty came to an abrupt end in Toronto. This election result sent shockwaves throughout the country, prompting at least one Ford supporter to claim “it’s like ISIS coming to Toronto.”

While factually inaccurate, recent reports suggest that this kind of sentiment is not unwarranted, as the Fords’ recent election loss is expected to have a sizable negative impact on segments of Canada’s financial and cultural institutions.

For one thing, financial experts claim that the production of Rob Ford jokes, Canada’s number one industry in 2013, is expected to take a big hit in the coming months. Even though the younger Ford brother managed to retain his old seat on Toronto city council, certain key figures in the industry point out that making jokes at the expense of an obnoxious, self-destructive city council person is not nearly as funny (or profitable) as making jokes about an obnoxious, self-destructive big city mayor.

Malcolm Kenneally, the owner of a dozen Rob Ford joke factories all over the country, says demand for Toronto mayor related humour by American talk shows and Canadian sketch comedy troupes has plummeted by at least 60 per cent over the last couple months.

“Because of this, we’re expected to lay off several thousand employees by year’s end,” said Kenneally. “I guess I should have seen this coming back in September. Once Rob was diagnosed with cancer, making fun of him was never the same.”

Canada’s tourism revenue is also expected to take a dive in 2015, mostly because people from around the world seem to collectively agree that, without the bombastic presence of Rob Ford in Toronto, Canada is “boring” again. “We’re really going to have to bump up our promotional campaigns if we want to get these tourists back,” said Rachel Lee, chief marketing officer at the Canadian Tourism Commission.

“Instead of highlighting Canada’s natural geographic beauty and diversity like we usually do, our new promos will resemble the cover of a tabloid newspaper. That should grab people’s attention.”

In order to stem the tide of encroaching economic and cultural despair, newly elected Toronto mayor John Tory has told Canadian citizens that he is willing to shape up and become a much more interesting political figurehead.

“My staff and I have devised a plan to get me hooked on painkillers and crystal meth immediately,” Tory told the press. “Moreover, we have been working with a language coach around the clock in the hopes that I will adopt a more lewd and crude vocabulary. You got that, you fucks?”

Despite Tory’s assurances, many are skeptical that the mayor will be able to regain the world’s interest in Canada’s cultural and financial institutions with his newly adopted persona.

“I sincerely doubt that Tory can generate the same kind of business that Rob Ford did,” said Kenneally. “Besides, there’s nothing funny about a politician who’s trying way too hard to be sleazy.”