Competitive Clubs

A prank can’t resolve all rivalries; sometimes it takes love

Photo by Tina Wallace

CARLETON MUST KNOW an unkind truth: they cannot, and will never be able to possess Pedro’s copper replica because they cannot, and will never win the Panda Bowl.  Yes, you heard me right.

The Ravens need to have their wings clipped, and this is how we plan to do it.

Like any university, we must pay respect to our traditions.  That is why we shall orchestrate a panda heist just like back in my father’s day. To avoid any complications in the process, we’ll leave the date for this event undisclosed—wouldn’t want any meddlesome Ravens cawing about.  This will only be the beginning.

I was recently informed that the University of Ottawa put out a request to its students for a new cheer or chant to support the sports teams—to boast the school.  I was dismayed when I heard that very little became of the opportunity.

Let’s add a little spin to this contest to see if it’ll spur any creativity: I dare you guys to involve my father’s name in the cheer.  P-E-D-R-O was his name-o.  Bonus points to any musicians who also involve the history and tradition of the panda in the cheer or chant.  There is no other Panda for me.

This time, not only will I run for office—I will take it.  Come election time in February, I will run a black-and-white slate with a simple platform: create unity in an otherwise divided or aloof university population, centred around love, inclusion, and victory against the Ravens—on and off the field.

Speaking of love, my father explained to me once why Hate Week became known as Love Week in the ‘70s.  What he failed to mention was what happened to the pranks and vandalism that took place the former week.

No concern.  I propose that during what I will now call Panda Love Week, to take place the week of Sept. 29 to Oct. 5, we spread the love.

Bring your professor a coffee in the morning, because they make you a better student than Carleton professors do.  If you see a Gee-Gee on campus, let them know that you appreciate them, or just give them a high-five.

And heck, let’s make an appreciation wall to show support for our athletes and the staff that coach and care for them.  They’ll secure Pedro’s effigy.

Now, a rivalry would never be complete without some dusty fun.  I could just poop on their campus, but that would be too easy.

A note-worthy prank would go along the lines of this: find the Gandhi statue on Carleton University’s campus and decorate it a little. A farcical wizard hat, a big grey beard, a little bit of caution tape, and a note reading “You shall not pass the goal line” should deliver the appropriate message—and vandalism is a thing of the past anyways.