The Tomato

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Party wins its first election, no one sure if it’s kidding anymore

Photo: CC, Darren Swim

The results of Monday’s federal election voting is in, and for the first time in Canadian history, the Rhinoceros party has won a majority government.

This result comes as even more of surprise since it wasn’t predicted in any of the major polls, blindsiding many seasoned political analysts. No one is quite sure yet how the Rhino party managed to pull off such a great showing, however some speculate that the party’s promise of an automatic orgasm for voting for them might have had an impact.

“I was really guessing it’d be either the Conservatives, Liberals or NDP who’d win. None of polling showed that people even knew who the Rhinoceros party was, so how they won is a total surprise to me,’’ said Frank Stamper, head of political polling for Political Outcomes Canada.

Party leader Sebastian CoRhino Corriveau has yet to make any announcements about what his  objectives are now that he’s in office, but many speculate that he’ll begin implementing the party’s long touted 1000-year plan. 

Highlights of the 2015-3015 plan include the nationalization of Tim Hortons, the privatization of the Canadian army and officially “moving the capital of Canada to Kapuskasing, Ontario so the capital can be in the middle of the country,” although it is not the geographic middle. 

While many are expecting the implementation of these new policies, some are hoping for older promises to make it in.

“I just can’t wait for them to finally tear down the Rockies,” said long-time Rhino party supporter Martha Evans. “I think people in Alberta deserve to see the Pacific sunset.”

Tomato reporters are particularly looking forward to the enactment of a proposal made by the Rhino party to repeal the law of gravity,  because it’ll be interesting to watch the consequences unfold.

Another famous Rhino promise is to count all of the 1,000 islands, just to make sure America hasn’t stolen any.

“I like a party that doesn’t take itself too seriously and can poke a bit of fun at the system, that’s why they got my vote,” said first-time Rhino voter and second year U of O student Jim Stone.

“I think that some of their ideas might actually be good for the country, they at least deserve a chance.”

The question after this surprising win is whether or not the party will fulfil any of its campaign promises. “I hope they stand by what they say and don’t go off and do something silly like try to handle economic problems or foreign affairs issues,” says Stone.

The only thing to do now is wait and see what will happen next. Will the Rhinos stick to their promises and begin paving the Bay of Fundy, or will they do something silly like try to balance the budget?

The Tomato is a satirical news section.