The Tomato

University of Ottawa’s Students Against HIPPA Violations believes vaccine passports aren't the only things that constitute a HIPPA violation at the University. Image: Hailey Otten/Fulcrum
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Welcome back to campus, Gee-Gees (that have two COVID-19 vaccines and can prove it)

Welcome back to campus, Gee-Gees (or at least those who have two COVID-19 vaccines and can prove it).

The University of Ottawa’s Students Against HIPPA Violations (UOSAHIPPAV) has criticized vaccine passports for being a gross invasion of privacy and has proclaimed it the time to re-examine what else is a HIPPA violation — like “how are you?” 

After much deliberation, it was decided that the question is both far too personal and an outright attack on the privacy citizens are entitled to. 

“They ask you how you are and you have to say that you’re fine when you’re not really fine,” said Katy Perry, a distraught U of O student who has been asked this question one too many times.

UOSAHIPPAV has denounced a number of other things that are “grotesque breaches of our right to be mysterious, cool, private people that you pass on the street and know nothing about,” according to treasurer Jane Provolta. She listed the following as soon-to-be mandated HIPPA violations:

Two-factor identification and the Microsoft Authenticator App.

Professors that cold call you.

Those things where you have to prove you’re not a robot by finding five fire hydrants among a series of carefully curated pictures — no more, no less. 

Starbucks inquiring for your name for a drink when you know they’re going to mess it up because it’s non-Eurocentric. 

When blue-eyed people ask if we can see the flecks of gold and green in their eyes — no, we can’t. 

Websites that insist you accept cookies — I don’t know what that means but it’s invasive and must stop. 

The president of the UOSAHIPPAV, Don Turtle, warns students that they must crackdown on these violations before new breaches of confidentiality show themselves. They must stand up now before it is too late. 

“We must stop this train of privacy breaches before they ever leave the station,” declared Turtle.

 “Will we need a student ID to get gains at the gym? Will we require a driver’s license or valid government-issued photo ID to get brewskis with the boys, if we are above a provincially mandated age?” 

“Will we implicate young, vulnerable school-aged children into this invasion of privacy? Will we only permit primary and secondary students in Ontario with immunization records proving they have received the diphtheria, tetanus, polio, measles, mumps, rubella, meningococcal disease, pertussis, and varicella vaccines to attend school? This is madness! Madness, I tell you!”