Opinions

American landmass to be literally shipped back to Spain

Original image from NASA’s Earth Observatory, Edits by Marta Kierkus

In a move that has shocked the world, the United States government has officially separated from Florida, effectively severing all economic, political, cultural, and even geographical ties with the country’s now former fourth-most populous state.

The news came to light Monday when President Barack Obama addressed the American people from the oval office, stating that the country can no longer bear the cultural burden of being associated with the Sunshine State.

“Let me assure you that this decision was not made lightly,” the president said in a televised address. “But the simple fact is that the state of Florida is going to cost our nation crippling financial and cultural capital in the long run, especially with what has been going on in the last couple of years.”

President Obama backed up his claim by listing the various insane and unbelievable news items that have recently become synonymous with Florida, including bath-salt-induced cannibal attacks, crazed assaults on Walmart employees, and general acts of debauchery that are committed by semi-nude drunks almost every day.

The event that finally pushed the US government’s patience over the edge was committed on Aug. 14, where a St. Petersburg man was arrested for allegedly trying to pick a fight with a fire hydrant.

However, the US government is not too keen on allowing Florida to form its own independent government, since they are afraid that this new sovereign state will devolve into chaotic, sleazy anarchy. Instead, the Obama administration is intent on selling Florida back to Spain, which originally ruled the state as a foreign colony before ceding it to the United States in 1819.

Even though Spain hasn’t been a colonial power for a couple hundred years, the country’s Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy could hardly contain his excitement at the prospect of reclaiming Florida.

“These are very interesting times, indeed,” Rajoy said during a Monday press conference in the nation’s capital of Madrid. “We can’t wait to see what a massive influx of rednecks, pornographers, spring breakers, and decrepit old people will do for our culture and economy.”

The US is also looking to unburden itself of the state in a much more literal sense.

With the help of some new, state-of-the-art laser technology, the US State department is in the process of slicing through Florida’s landmass in the hopes of severing it entirely from the mainland United States. The piece of land will then be floated across the Atlantic Ocean until it reaches Spain.  

Despite the insistence of the media, Florida Governor Rick Scott could not be reached for comment, since he was too busy outfitting his mansion with personal flotation devices.

“We will definitely be sad to see Florida go, as every American enjoys its sunny beaches and wonderful theme parks,” said President Obama. “So, I hope all of you watching at home will join me in saying goodbye to the Sunshine State. Sorry Florida, it was fun while it lasted, but sometimes you just can’t fix crazy.”