The Tomato

New law outlaws women’s body hair

A law passed on Jan. 5 states that women in Canada are no longer allowed to grow hair anywhere other than on their heads.
After male members of Parliament deemed women’s body hair a danger to themselves and others, it was decided, with a majority vote, to ban it completely.

“Body hair, especially the finer hair of a woman, can easily catch fire,” said Prime Minister Shaven Hairper. “I’m not completely sure of the science behind it, but it’s been proven time and time again through public incidents that women’s body hair is a threat to both genders.”

The incidents Hairper mentions have occurred across Canada for the last few years, especially in the winter when women tend to ignore their razors more frequently. There have been countless reports of women’s body hair catching fire, causing severe burns, and in some cases, even death.

Hairiette Stubbles, 25, was eating Christmas dinner with her family last year when her armpit hair burst into flames.

“I went to reach for the candied yams and was wearing a sleeveless shirt,” she said. “When I finally got hold of them I noticed a warm sensation in my armpit. I guess I reached over a candle. I thought I was far enough above the flame that I would be OK, but it managed to ignite an inferno under my arm. I still have scars from the second-degree burns.”

Though Hairper cites the fineness of women’s body hair as the problem, trichologist Maury Baldwin — who has been studying the flammability of women’s body hair for nearly a decade — recently discovered a difference in sebum in male and female body hair, which drastically increases the flammability of women’s hair.

“Women naturally produce a certain type of oil in their body hair that differs from male hair,” said Baldwin. “It is undetectable unless studied incredibly closely, and it’s very complicated to explain. But the sebum can catch fire even when a flame isn’t anywhere near the hair, which is why all women need to be vigilant about shaving their body hair during all seasons.”

After the law was passed, many feminist academics have been protesting what they deem to be a crime against women by flashing patches of body hair at MPs on their way to the Hill. Though they have caused quite a stir, police are coming down hard on perpetrators, and women caught with hair on anywhere but their heads are receiving fines of up to $25,000 — fines that accompany on-the-spot shaving.

“The punishments for breaking this new law may be harsh,” said Hairper. “But they’re effective.”

“Canadian women have, for the most part, started to embrace body baldness,” said Hairper. “And all us men are thankful females have realized the danger their body hair poses to all men, women, and children.”