The Tomato

“The sensationalism found in today’s media renders it tough to discern which foods are contributing positively to our collective health and which will likely put us in the ground,” said Roast. “That being said, I’m honoured to be one of the few who are admittedly contributing in a neutral way.”

“I’m just really excited to be at an institution of learning that understands that I’m different from everyone else,” said Runt. “It’s been hard to deal with professors who dismiss my breadth of knowledge just because I only have a basic understanding of everything I claim I’ve read.”

Presently, the OPS has released a public service announcement on the subject of frexting that will circulate across Ottawa throughout the fall. The advertisement promotes the use of Bluetooth technology while parkouring. It is hoped that this method—entitled hands-free running—will reduce the number of parkouring-related collisions and make the sidewalks safe again.

“My family will always be grateful to this country and town for entrenching the beliefs of religious tolerance and multiculturalism into fundamental rights for citizens,” said Jaameh. “It’s too bad Quebec didn’t agree to do the same.”

The new team names will take effect immediately. Among other changes, the New England Patriots will now be referred to as the Dirty Micks, the New York Giants will be changed to the Cheap Jews, and the Miami Dolphins will be renamed the Blackskins.

“Putin’s lack of comfort with his own sexuality is a far deeper cause of concern than any anti-proactive cold war mentality in Russia at this moment. I think we need Dr. Phil,” said Obama.

It all happened so fast. One minute I was with my friends enjoying a nice burger from the cafeteria, and then suddenly everyone had been transformed into sarcastically dressed monsters eating quinoa from Tupperware

Equipped with state-of-the-art swivel chairs and projector screens, the building will be like no other arts building on campus. Students will even have access to their own electrical outlets, meaning they will no longer need to bring extension cords to class to use their laptops.

Mr. Swift’s proposed policy would make sure that future generations are free from past hindrances caused by such suspected autistic people as Beethoven, Mozart, Dickenson, Yeats, Einstein, Darwin, and Isaac Newton—all of whom contributed very little to the world, but who must have bothered people like this one pissed off mother with the “noise polluting whaling” they made.

“I mean, I could keeping going and get a doctorate or something—become a doctor of English and save people’s lives with my analysis of medieval literature,” Hayes said. “But I figured hey, if I’m going to be paying out my ass for tuition, I might as well learn and contribute something valuable to society.”

Allan Stone, the president of the university, believes these new regulations will enable students to relax more. “We were just tired of hearing so many complaints from students about how difficult their lives are in April, so we decided to change the whole basis for success at our school,” said Stone.

To prepare for the game of their lifetime, TuneSquad leader Bugs Bunny—alongside basketball superstar Jordan—coached the team from pitiful to kind of acceptable.

“He’s already lied about his name,” Trump said, referring to the Pope’s birth name Jorge Mario Bergoglio. “We need to stand up and confront people in power—this Frank guy can’t be changing names and running religion without proving to the world and myself that he’s legit.”

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