Reading Time: 2 minutesThis announcement has caused young fans of Hannah Montana to adopt Cyrus’ new fashion sense, mothers to burn all Hannah Montana merchandise, men to question if they like that sort of thing or not, and feminists to critique the fact that we judge Cyrus for twerking on the trophy but not the trophy for using Cyrus.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“The sensationalism found in today’s media renders it tough to discern which foods are contributing positively to our collective health and which will likely put us in the ground,” said Roast. “That being said, I’m honoured to be one of the few who are admittedly contributing in a neutral way.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe group had nailed its manifesto to the UCU Auditorium doors, but because it had been written on a right-handed desk it just ended up looking like a six-year-old’s doodle.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“I’m just really excited to be at an institution of learning that understands that I’m different from everyone else,” said Runt. “It’s been hard to deal with professors who dismiss my breadth of knowledge just because I only have a basic understanding of everything I claim I’ve read.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesPresently, the OPS has released a public service announcement on the subject of frexting that will circulate across Ottawa throughout the fall. The advertisement promotes the use of Bluetooth technology while parkouring. It is hoped that this method—entitled hands-free running—will reduce the number of parkouring-related collisions and make the sidewalks safe again.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“My family will always be grateful to this country and town for entrenching the beliefs of religious tolerance and multiculturalism into fundamental rights for citizens,” said Jaameh. “It’s too bad Quebec didn’t agree to do the same.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe A7 chip will allow the CPU of the 5S to run up to 40 times faster than the original iPhone. The iPhone 5 only ran 39 times as fast.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe new team names will take effect immediately. Among other changes, the New England Patriots will now be referred to as the Dirty Micks, the New York Giants will be changed to the Cheap Jews, and the Miami Dolphins will be renamed the Blackskins.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIt has become clear that, since Higgins was wearing an expensive suit and displaying silver jewellery, he was asking to be mugged. After all, it was 1 a.m.—he should have known the importance of dressing modestly to avoid that kind of attention.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Putin’s lack of comfort with his own sexuality is a far deeper cause of concern than any anti-proactive cold war mentality in Russia at this moment. I think we need Dr. Phil,” said Obama.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIt all happened so fast. One minute I was with my friends enjoying a nice burger from the cafeteria, and then suddenly everyone had been transformed into sarcastically dressed monsters eating quinoa from Tupperware
Reading Time: 2 minutesEquipped with state-of-the-art swivel chairs and projector screens, the building will be like no other arts building on campus. Students will even have access to their own electrical outlets, meaning they will no longer need to bring extension cords to class to use their laptops.
Reading Time: 2 minutesMr. Swift’s proposed policy would make sure that future generations are free from past hindrances caused by such suspected autistic people as Beethoven, Mozart, Dickenson, Yeats, Einstein, Darwin, and Isaac Newton—all of whom contributed very little to the world, but who must have bothered people like this one pissed off mother with the “noise polluting whaling” they made.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThis new option makes sense for many students wanting to settle down shortly after university with little money but lots of friends.
Reading Time: 2 minutesA new app created by the makers of Angry Birds has enraged children and adults alike.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIt is with great regret that the Fulcrum announces the passing of Facebook earlier last month.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“I mean, I could keeping going and get a doctorate or something—become a doctor of English and save people’s lives with my analysis of medieval literature,” Hayes said. “But I figured hey, if I’m going to be paying out my ass for tuition, I might as well learn and contribute something valuable to society.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesAllan Stone, the president of the university, believes these new regulations will enable students to relax more. “We were just tired of hearing so many complaints from students about how difficult their lives are in April, so we decided to change the whole basis for success at our school,” said Stone.
Reading Time: 2 minutesTo prepare for the game of their lifetime, TuneSquad leader Bugs Bunny—alongside basketball superstar Jordan—coached the team from pitiful to kind of acceptable.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“He’s already lied about his name,” Trump said, referring to the Pope’s birth name Jorge Mario Bergoglio. “We need to stand up and confront people in power—this Frank guy can’t be changing names and running religion without proving to the world and myself that he’s legit.”
