“If it turns out that the guy who sells hot dogs out of a cart isn’t legit, I really won’t know who to trust anymore.”
“If it turns out that the guy who sells hot dogs out of a cart isn’t legit, I really won’t know who to trust anymore.”
“I’m so excited to learn everything about this important issue. I haven’t been able to find a job for nearly three years and now I understand why.”—Colleen McCafferty, third-year political science student.
After the 53rd recount, it dawned on election officials that while many ballots had been submitted, none of them had any names marked down. One ballot did have the words “Bernie for prez!” scrawled on it, but it was marked as spoiled.
The head of the Weather Network, Mateo Rologist, could not be reached for comment. Sources say he’s been rocking slowly back and forth for the past week whispering “they’ve broken it.”
“It’s not everyday that a rich, handsome actor with millions of worldwide fans gets the recognition he deserves.”—Cheryl Boone Isaacs, Academy president.
With the debate over electoral reform still raging, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—henceforth retitled “Glorious and Eternal Leader of Canada”—quietly passed legislation on Monday, ending all subsequent elections.
“Statistically, a huge number of violent deaths in the U.S. are caused by white males, and if there’s one thing this administration lives by it’s facts and figures.”—Sean Spicer, White House press secretary.
“This is way cooler than what I learned in high school. I loved the part where Sir John A. MacDonald fought off four dragons using only a rusty blunderbuss and a 60-year-old bottle of scotch.”—Sheryl Watts, a first-year alternative Canadian history major.
Today, the number of Bridgehead coffee cups littering the Parliament Hill bus stop is higher than at any time in the last 150 years.”—@RogueLivingWall.
Many Anglophones were left asking their bilingual companions “qaStaH nuq?” as the PM droned on about pot legalization and his latest scuffle with Starfleet High Command.
“Luckily, the SFUO seems to be prepared for this. Their website is so dense and impenetrable that no hacker will be able to get access to any sensitive information.”—Michel Ghost, U of O cybersecurity expert.
“If you have to choose between running 1848 for a weekend or holding office hours in a sauna, I think it’s pretty clear what the answer is.”—SFUO president Roméo Ahimakin.
We’ve all been there…
After MP Elizabeth May recently challenged her colleague’s use of the word “fart” in the House of Commons, the University of Ottawa’s BOG has announced it will follow suit.
“Maybe relying on this argument during such a crap year like 2016 was a bad idea.”—Ganya Till, EDS president.
“Lots of these memes have more policy meaning behind them than meets the eye.”—Good Guy Greg McDoge, meme interpreter.
“This might not be enough, the SFUO should seriously consider handing out free puppies and lattes to get students involved at GAs.”—Emily Smith, third-year economics student.
“I’m absolutely shocked at the outcome. The implications of this meeting could be felt for a very long time.”—Peter Ellis, a political science professor at the U of O.
On Nov. 6, Rabaska abruptly ended its relationship with the U of O student body, and people are having trouble coping with the loss.
“We’re thinking of just not showing up to classes for a few weeks from December to January. That should show them.”
In a surprising turn of events, students have been going up and hugging members of the SFUO, thanking them for years of scandal-free school.
Lots of Americans will be moving to Canada in the wake of Tuesday’s election. There’s just no way those were empty threats, they’re definitely going to do it and you need to be ready.
“I know for a fact bribery works, so I don’t understand how no one could have voted for me.”—Andrew Acheson, BOA candidate.
Starting Jan. 9, the U of O’s Department of Theatre will be launching a YouTube drama program, where students will get the opportunity to learn about the art of whining in front of a camera for 20 minutes.
After decrying the university’s lack of support for fair trade coffee, students took their disagreements outside. Across campus, spontaneous melees erupted as students hurled beverage cups at one another.