Reading Time: 2 minutesPrime Minister Stephen Harper has ordered the ship’s crew to be re-sunk after the former crew members came out in support of Liberal Party leader Justin Trudeau last week.
The Tomato
Reading Time: 2 minutes“We’re all thrilled about the idea of a super-powered royal baby,” said David McDonald, who runs RoyalBabyFans.com. “Will and Kate really let us down last time, so I feel that genetic modification is the logical route they should be taking this time around.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely concerned about the fate of oppressed minorities in the Middle East,” said business owner Brett Targus. “But I’m much more concerned about not knowing the fate of my favourite fictional characters in another war-torn hellhole: Westeros.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Before all else, we took the interests and well-being of our students into consideration while discussing the renovation plans,” said Robert Builder, president of the Office of Risk Management at the U of O. “Could we have broken ground in May when most students weren’t on campus? Absolutely, but that wouldn’t have made any sense.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesFollowing years of attempting to neuter popular entertainment properties, the watchdog group known as the Parents Censorship Council (PCC) is now attempting to actively censor history for its objectionable content.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn a move that has shocked the world, the United States government has officially separated from Florida, effectively severing all economic, political, cultural, and even geographical ties with the country’s now former fourth-most populous state.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe Burger King-Tim Hortons merger is another sad chapter in a series of defects and defeats Canada has suffered at the hands of corporate America, on par with the departures of Wayne Gretzky, Paul Anka, the Montreal Expos, and Ryan Reynolds’ abdominals.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThis faculty will cater to students interested in both hard sciences and the humanities, and will include specialization options in sentient robotics, planetary destroyer engineering, solar disruption, and general arts.
Reading Time: 2 minutesRather than dowsing yourself in ice water (like in the Ice Bucket Challenge), the Handgun Challenge requires its participants to suffer a self-inflicted gunshot wound on camera, and to follow up that act of mutilation by challenging at least three people to do the same.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe Canadian Council for the Arts recently made the shocking announcement that they will begin openly endorsing and supporting the written works of YouTube commenters.
Reading Time: 2 minutesPanic has gripped Ottawa elementary school students this week after third grade class president Kyle Tompkins addressed his peers across the city regarding reports that several students are being treated for a potential case of cooties.
Reading Time: 2 minutesJohnny Manziel is so famous that on April 8, NFL commissioner Roger Goodies banned him from joining the league because Manziel is “too popular for his own good.”
Reading Time: 3 minutes“We finally saw things as clearly as the residents of Sandy Hill,” said Stone. “Of course it makes more sense to demand our students travel across the city for classes, rather than expand to Sandy Hill. Those residents who campaigned against our residence proposal were there first. So even though they represent a small portion of the area’s population, I believe the golden rule has to apply: finders keepers, losers move to Kanata.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe society’s crown jewel is the Jock Turcot University Centre’s Alumni Auditorium. According to the notes of former member Pierre Elliott Trudeau, the goals were to design “the least enjoyable place to have a lecture or special presentation” and ensure that all students who utilized it “would surely need to see a chiropractor afterwards.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesDue to diplomatic tensions, Poutine auditioned via Skype from Moscow, where he suddenly hopped onto the screen looking unrecognizable. Poutine wore bright makeup covering his lips, cheeks, and eyes, a curly wig with blonde highlights, and sequins that shimmered as he executed a series of complex gyrations and twirls
Reading Time: 2 minutesParade planned to honour team’s ineptitude down final stretch of season Photo courtesy of ZMDigital (cc) Thousands of Toronto Maple Leafs fans flocked to downtown Toronto the night of March 30 to celebrate the lost season of their favourite team. The celebration lasted into the early hours of the morning, shutting down many of Toronto’s main …
Reading Time: 2 minutesThompson said that he will now dedicate every Tuesday night to solving a world issue with a selfie. He has already planned to tackle cancer, poverty, AIDS, and racism by the end of April.
Reading Time: 3 minutes Inside were the blueprints that detailed the secret clubhouse built in the sixth pillar that has housed some of the most elite and famous members of Canada’s past. We found photos of Sir John A. Macdonald, Sir Wilfrid Laurier, Frederick Banting, Alex Trebek, Steve Nash, Keanu Reeves, Drake, and Ben Mulroney all within the mysterious pillar — although to be fair there were reports that both Reeves and Mulroney had snuck their way in.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe shocking video shows employees spraying water at tomato plants tied to stakes, a method of water torture condemned by the international community. It also shows tomatoes being poked, prodded, and finally plucked from their vines.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe new novel, titled Dan of the Dumps, looks into the life of Daniel Chester, one of Anne’s great-grandchildren who survived the recession of the late 1980s and started selling nickel stocks in magazine and book clubs.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThere are mass protests planned in many Canadian cities to bring attention to what environmentalists believe to be pure stupidity on the part of the government, though all of the protests north of Toronto have been cancelled due to ferociously cold temperatures.
Reading Time: 2 minutesOptimistic that the bill will improve the elections process at the federal level, a student lobbyist group at the U of O called Students for Fair Elections is advocating changing the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) elections to reflect the federal model, in hopes of making it more efficient and fair for everyone.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“How the hell can they somehow find fault with Canada participating? It’s no secret we always suck at the summer Olympics, so how do they expect us to get any medals from now on? ”
Reading Time: 2 minutesBrevik has made a list of demands including a more comfortable chair and a computer to replace the typewriter he was being subjected to. Brevik also wants a Playstation 3 to replace his Playstation 2, and more adult video games.
Reading Time: 2 minutesMarwas, however, defended herself against such critics in her speech: “Concordia is an ideal university to relocate because it’s Engli—I mean, as Concordia is split between two campuses over eight kilometres apart, the students and staff there must already be used to travelling a lot, so moving their entire university to another province is absolutely reasonable.”
