“I told my mom, if she can’t make the broccoli larvae, I’m moving out!” a first-year student, and off-campus resident told the Tomato. “I can’t go a day without it!”
Tomato
The so-called “Page Runner” found in the Fulcrum’s latest feature, is none other than U of O president, Jacques Frémont. Frémont supposedly runs the page as a hobby of sorts and can frequently be found chuckling at his own memes at Board of Governors meetings.
Upon reaching out to Rivera for comment, the Tomato was told by her legal counsel that, “Ms. Rivera thought digging the tunnel would be a good floor bonding activity. Her intentions were innocent. If anything, she was doing those students a service, the manual labour helped some of them stave off the freshman fifteen.”
Now, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
It seems the seasonal hits have been provoking insanity in employees and some patrons of the mall, with employees wandering the concourse with ugly seasonal sweaters in hand, mumbling about the upcoming Christmas party and claiming they need to prepare for boxing day.
Father & Sons, 1848, and La Maison serve as cornerstones for University of Ottawa nightlife, but recently these three establishments have been feuding over claims to U of O students.
The Tomato talks with students concerned about the new trans fat ban and what effect this will have on their late-night binges.
Covering the walls of the tunnel were elaborate schematics of what the Tomato would soon find out is the Tornadorator 3000. In the corner, a small group of engineering student were hunched over scribbling designs; UberEats Mcdonald bags littered the floor.
What we saw was astounding. We found loads of professional-grade concert speakers set up all over the site, hooked up to one guy’s laptop playing “Epic Construction Ruckus Medley—10-hour Version” on YouTube.
In the wake of a recent incident involving a bear wandering freely through the streets of the Byward Market, the Tomato has uncovered startling new information that has Ottawa pawsing to reflect.
“Yep—every week, we polish the whole thing, from top to bottom,” nodded Alan Lee, head of the Social Science Task Force (SSTF). “Keeps it looking spiffy for when the O-Train gets here.”
Returning students at the University of Ottawa have a misguided and dangerously optimistic understanding of just how easy their second year will be.
“We used to buy regular lettuce for our weekly salads. Nowadays, you can’t walk into a store without bumping into mountains of kale and boxes of organic arugula. What’s wrong with regular ol’ lettuce?”
“Investing in Bitcoin is a perfect fit for the U of O and our stated principles,” said Frémont. “What could defy the conventional more than investing in the same thing as everyone else?”
While Canadians may be up in arms online around Tim Hortons’ response to the minimum wage hike, their response in person has been less than caffeinated.
The program is expected to produce two million Anne adherents, or “immigrants” on the island by the year 2030. The long term goal is to move the entire population of Canada to PEI, in order to create a country in the model of Anne.
“No candidate shall say that the SFUO doesn’t listen to the voice of students. And anyone who doesn’t believe us can shut the hell up.”
“Okay sure, their articles about spying microwaves and political handshake courses were on point, but what they wrote about people tampering with the SFUO election? Ridiculous!”
Students on the brink of starvation now that kitchen appliances are under lock and key.
New entry in SFUO based reality series showcases students wielding pitchforks and torches at GA.
“While most institutions see the negative side of everything, we as a university embrace our flaws.”
First episode teases slap fight between president and VP social.
“Having students from all over the world means more diversity of thought, cultural exchange, and higher tuition f—I mean academic rigour.”—Jacques Frémont
“If it turns out that the guy who sells hot dogs out of a cart isn’t legit, I really won’t know who to trust anymore.”
“I’m so excited to learn everything about this important issue. I haven’t been able to find a job for nearly three years and now I understand why.”—Colleen McCafferty, third-year political science student.
