Reading Time: 2 minutesIt seems Health Canada is being run by toddlers. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the minors involved.
Tomato
Reading Time: 2 minutes“The SFUO fully supports students’ right to smoke mouldy weed in the abandoned Brooks building,” the statement read. “All those who oppose this motion are obviously white supremacists.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“I just… I just wanted to do my best to help these kids you know? I try so hard. I roll out of bed and come and stand in front of 300 students and ramble on about bonds and elements. But I didn’t know that my bond with the students was so non-existent” he sobbed.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe drivers were given OC Transpo swag, including a parka and thermos, which Watson explained: “(were) used to hold hot drinks, like green tea or hot kombucha.”
Reading Time: 3 minutes“I told my mom, if she can’t make the broccoli larvae, I’m moving out!” a first-year student, and off-campus resident told the Tomato. “I can’t go a day without it!”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe so-called “Page Runner” found in the Fulcrum’s latest feature, is none other than U of O president, Jacques Frémont. Frémont supposedly runs the page as a hobby of sorts and can frequently be found chuckling at his own memes at Board of Governors meetings.
Reading Time: 2 minutesUpon reaching out to Rivera for comment, the Tomato was told by her legal counsel that, “Ms. Rivera thought digging the tunnel would be a good floor bonding activity. Her intentions were innocent. If anything, she was doing those students a service, the manual labour helped some of them stave off the freshman fifteen.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesNow, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIt seems the seasonal hits have been provoking insanity in employees and some patrons of the mall, with employees wandering the concourse with ugly seasonal sweaters in hand, mumbling about the upcoming Christmas party and claiming they need to prepare for boxing day.
Reading Time: 3 minutesFather & Sons, 1848, and La Maison serve as cornerstones for University of Ottawa nightlife, but recently these three establishments have been feuding over claims to U of O students.
Reading Time: 2 minutes The Tomato talks with students concerned about the new trans fat ban and what effect this will have on their late-night binges.
Reading Time: 2 minutesCovering the walls of the tunnel were elaborate schematics of what the Tomato would soon find out is the Tornadorator 3000. In the corner, a small group of engineering student were hunched over scribbling designs; UberEats Mcdonald bags littered the floor.
Reading Time: 2 minutesWhat we saw was astounding. We found loads of professional-grade concert speakers set up all over the site, hooked up to one guy’s laptop playing “Epic Construction Ruckus Medley—10-hour Version” on YouTube.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn the wake of a recent incident involving a bear wandering freely through the streets of the Byward Market, the Tomato has uncovered startling new information that has Ottawa pawsing to reflect.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Yep—every week, we polish the whole thing, from top to bottom,” nodded Alan Lee, head of the Social Science Task Force (SSTF). “Keeps it looking spiffy for when the O-Train gets here.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesReturning students at the University of Ottawa have a misguided and dangerously optimistic understanding of just how easy their second year will be.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“We used to buy regular lettuce for our weekly salads. Nowadays, you can’t walk into a store without bumping into mountains of kale and boxes of organic arugula. What’s wrong with regular ol’ lettuce?”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Investing in Bitcoin is a perfect fit for the U of O and our stated principles,” said Frémont. “What could defy the conventional more than investing in the same thing as everyone else?”
Reading Time: 2 minutesWhile Canadians may be up in arms online around Tim Hortons’ response to the minimum wage hike, their response in person has been less than caffeinated.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe program is expected to produce two million Anne adherents, or “immigrants” on the island by the year 2030. The long term goal is to move the entire population of Canada to PEI, in order to create a country in the model of Anne.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“No candidate shall say that the SFUO doesn’t listen to the voice of students. And anyone who doesn’t believe us can shut the hell up.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Okay sure, their articles about spying microwaves and political handshake courses were on point, but what they wrote about people tampering with the SFUO election? Ridiculous!”
Reading Time: 2 minutesStudents on the brink of starvation now that kitchen appliances are under lock and key.
Reading Time: 3 minutesNew entry in SFUO based reality series showcases students wielding pitchforks and torches at GA.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“While most institutions see the negative side of everything, we as a university embrace our flaws.”
