Reading Time: 2 minutes“I don’t want to go back to Ottawa, it’s cold, the dining hall food sucks, and I would have to get on a train for five hours. Back here, the fridge is fully stocked with stuff from Costco, my laundry gets folded and put away, and nothing has to ever change.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesA recent study led by University of Ottawa researcher Dr. Jarius Cross led to a shocking discovery. There was, collectively, zero reading done by U of O students during the winter semester reading week.
Reading Time: 3 minutesTo commemorate the end of an era, MTV brought on former SFUO presidential candidate Oprah to host a lookback special of some of the SFUO’s most cherished moments.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAccording to his roommates, Michael DiMarco had gone to Minto Sports Complex for an early morning workout and hadn’t returned.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAn independent investigation spurred by recent releases of Fyre Festival documentaries, has revealed that student unions were behind the whole thing. Samantha Odd and Angel Shawarma, the lead investigators, held a press conference earlier this week.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe challenge, which ran from Feb. 4 to 10, resulted in a higher lack of productivity than usual, with only three of 23 councillor seats occupied throughout the week. (Councillors who were not part of the challenge still used it as an excuse for their absences).
Reading Time: 2 minutesThere was no mistaking it for Betty DeGrudge when, on a blustery, snow-covered Thursday morning, she finished her long drive in from the outskirts of the city, crossing over the Laurier Avenue bridge and into University of Ottawa territory: students are such a pain-in-the-ass.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAfter binge-watching all eight episodes of Tidying Up With Marie Kondo, a third-year U of O student went on a cleaning-spree. But it seems that she’s taken Kondo’s advice a little too seriously.
Jane Drummond, the student in question, has been on a “rampage” according to her concerned roommates Kristopher Trent and Jennifer Fremont.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn all my four years at this university not once has anyone mentioned the fact that we have a library! I’ve spent nights hunched over in dorm rooms, finishing essays by lamplight, paying for research from journals that I could have accessed for free?? I am livid.
Reading Time: 2 minutesHistory has been made by Dean Wels, a third-year student at the Telfer School of Management, who has somehow been placed on academic probation in the first week of school after winter break.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe philosophy student, an enigma to those around it, treats syllabus week as hunting season. Asserting dominance during introductory lectures is their only way of ensuring a successful semester.
Reading Time: 2 minutesNow, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
Reading Time: 2 minutesWhat we saw was astounding. We found loads of professional-grade concert speakers set up all over the site, hooked up to one guy’s laptop playing “Epic Construction Ruckus Medley—10-hour Version” on YouTube.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIt’s easy to tell who’s not in the know. They’re huddled together in large packs, attempting to stave off the cold, inappropriately dressed for the cold weather. They claim their moms were going to buy them a Canada Goose coat over Thanksgiving. It’s the first years.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“We’ve been named the seventh-happiest country in the world, and we couldn’t be happier,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Investing in Bitcoin is a perfect fit for the U of O and our stated principles,” said Frémont. “What could defy the conventional more than investing in the same thing as everyone else?”
Reading Time: 2 minutesWhile Canadians may be up in arms online around Tim Hortons’ response to the minimum wage hike, their response in person has been less than caffeinated.
Reading Time: 2 minutesAccording to LeSwank, funding for season three of the show came from profits from the recent Everybody Hates Everybody (EHE) Festival. The festival featured a controversial “pay to play” policy, where the SFUO selected artists to perform based on how many tickets they could sell.
Reading Time: 2 minutesStrange Globe and Mail article becomes a template for political marketing machine.
Reading Time: 2 minutesTo help clear things up, the Tomato managed to get an interview with Trudeau. Suspiciously, the prime minister declined to make any comment, movement, or even blink.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“I’m so excited to learn everything about this important issue. I haven’t been able to find a job for nearly three years and now I understand why.”—Colleen McCafferty, third-year political science student.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“It’s not everyday that a rich, handsome actor with millions of worldwide fans gets the recognition he deserves.”—Cheryl Boone Isaacs, Academy president.
Reading Time: 3 minutesWith the debate over electoral reform still raging, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—henceforth retitled “Glorious and Eternal Leader of Canada”—quietly passed legislation on Monday, ending all subsequent elections.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Statistically, a huge number of violent deaths in the U.S. are caused by white males, and if there’s one thing this administration lives by it’s facts and figures.”—Sean Spicer, White House press secretary.
Reading Time: 2 minutesToday, the number of Bridgehead coffee cups littering the Parliament Hill bus stop is higher than at any time in the last 150 years.”—@RogueLivingWall.
