Reading Time: 2 minutesAlthough many have already described Pitbull’s music as a cultural virus, that idea has taken on a whole new meaning after Apple decided to automatically add the rapper’s new album to iTunes.
The tomato
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe Fords’ recent election loss is expected to have a sizable negative impact on segments of Canada’s financial and cultural institutions.
Reading Time: 2 minutesPumpkin spice related debauchery has hit record levels at the University of Ottawa.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThanks to a new set of bylaws that were unanimously passed by city council this fall, police officers have been handing out fines, community service, and even jail time to those who sport costumes deemed lazy, douchey, or in very poor taste.
Reading Time: 2 minutesReading levels on campus reached a crisis point this past reading week, causing most University of Ottawa services to become overwhelmed.
Reading Time: 2 minutesA University of Ottawa student is attempting to break the world record for taking the greatest number of offensive selfies in the shortest amount of time.
Reading Time: 2 minutesTo combat the “Bendgate” controversy, Apple has decided to outright ban hipsters from buying the new iPhone 6.
Reading Time: 2 minutesWhat’s truly terrifying about haters is that they cannot be easily identified. They could be anywhere at any time. They could be delivering our mail, policing our streets, teaching our children, all the while spreading their hateful manifestos unexpectedly to innocent and undeserving celebrities.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn a press conference, Mayor Jim Watson confirmed speculation that the Poop Fairy, a long-time City of Ottawa employee, is finally retiring.
Reading Time: 2 minutesStarting Monday, the traditional question-and-answer format of Question Period will be replaced by a question-and-question format.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe rapper has taken to social media to reveal more about the Nike-sponsored #YEEZUSWALKS campaign. The campaign will feature West making his way across the country this coming June in his signature Air Yeezy sneakers, using his newly honed healing powers to cure those with physical disabilities.
Reading Time: 2 minutesPrime Minister Stephen Harper has ordered the ship’s crew to be re-sunk after the former crew members came out in support of Liberal Party leader Justin Trudeau last week.
Reading Time: 2 minutes“We’re all thrilled about the idea of a super-powered royal baby,” said David McDonald, who runs RoyalBabyFans.com. “Will and Kate really let us down last time, so I feel that genetic modification is the logical route they should be taking this time around.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely concerned about the fate of oppressed minorities in the Middle East,” said business owner Brett Targus. “But I’m much more concerned about not knowing the fate of my favourite fictional characters in another war-torn hellhole: Westeros.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes“Before all else, we took the interests and well-being of our students into consideration while discussing the renovation plans,” said Robert Builder, president of the Office of Risk Management at the U of O. “Could we have broken ground in May when most students weren’t on campus? Absolutely, but that wouldn’t have made any sense.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesFollowing years of attempting to neuter popular entertainment properties, the watchdog group known as the Parents Censorship Council (PCC) is now attempting to actively censor history for its objectionable content.
Reading Time: 2 minutesIn a move that has shocked the world, the United States government has officially separated from Florida, effectively severing all economic, political, cultural, and even geographical ties with the country’s now former fourth-most populous state.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe Burger King-Tim Hortons merger is another sad chapter in a series of defects and defeats Canada has suffered at the hands of corporate America, on par with the departures of Wayne Gretzky, Paul Anka, the Montreal Expos, and Ryan Reynolds’ abdominals.
Reading Time: 2 minutesThis faculty will cater to students interested in both hard sciences and the humanities, and will include specialization options in sentient robotics, planetary destroyer engineering, solar disruption, and general arts.
Reading Time: 2 minutesRather than dowsing yourself in ice water (like in the Ice Bucket Challenge), the Handgun Challenge requires its participants to suffer a self-inflicted gunshot wound on camera, and to follow up that act of mutilation by challenging at least three people to do the same.
Reading Time: 2 minutesPanic has gripped Ottawa elementary school students this week after third grade class president Kyle Tompkins addressed his peers across the city regarding reports that several students are being treated for a potential case of cooties.
Reading Time: 2 minutesJohnny Manziel is so famous that on April 8, NFL commissioner Roger Goodies banned him from joining the league because Manziel is “too popular for his own good.”
Reading Time: 3 minutes“We finally saw things as clearly as the residents of Sandy Hill,” said Stone. “Of course it makes more sense to demand our students travel across the city for classes, rather than expand to Sandy Hill. Those residents who campaigned against our residence proposal were there first. So even though they represent a small portion of the area’s population, I believe the golden rule has to apply: finders keepers, losers move to Kanata.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesThe society’s crown jewel is the Jock Turcot University Centre’s Alumni Auditorium. According to the notes of former member Pierre Elliott Trudeau, the goals were to design “the least enjoyable place to have a lecture or special presentation” and ensure that all students who utilized it “would surely need to see a chiropractor afterwards.”
Reading Time: 2 minutesDue to diplomatic tensions, Poutine auditioned via Skype from Moscow, where he suddenly hopped onto the screen looking unrecognizable. Poutine wore bright makeup covering his lips, cheeks, and eyes, a curly wig with blonde highlights, and sequins that shimmered as he executed a series of complex gyrations and twirls
