Finston Currents — an entrepreneuring, fitness-lovin shark — reflects on the success of his fitness brand, Gymshark.
Tomato
Commission on Presidential Debates believes that hosting a live stream over the popular 2018 party game is the best depiction of democracy.
Lots of Ottawa residents have been making the most of the scattered electric scooters. But did one raccoon take it too far?
uOShow is the University of Ottawa’s annual concert to welcome in the new class of students. But this year’s headliner is unlike any other.
To motivate students, one theatre professor has made bubonic plague-era masks mandatory for all of her classes.
To make sure the results of their Kahoots! are legit, the UOSU has hired a friendly face for additional security.
Another student has died by suicide at the University of __________, reports student newspaper, The _________.
Since the eradication of pedestrian walk signal buttons from his ward, Menard has launched an attack on all buttons in general, with no trace of discrimination. The buttons on his office’s microwave, the buttons on all of his clothes, the buttons on his remote control, and the buttons on his home appliances, including his washer and dryer.
Zuckerberg’s sample presentation featured fake news stories the Facebook team plans to promote this election cycle, including headlines such as “Trudeau Pressured Wilson-Raybould to Help Maple Syrup Industry” and “Andrew Scheer Literally Ate A Baby”.
Currently, the SFUO is crashing on different friends’ couches and futons throughout the city until she can “get back on her feet.” According to one friend who wishes to remain anonymous, the SFUO is not a great roommate.
“It’s going to suck not being woken up to the sound of heavy machinery right outside my window,” claims Roberta Pebble, a second-floor resident of 90 University. “There’s really nothing like the sound of tons of gravel being poured on LRT track. I’ve grown to like it, I guess I’ll have to buy an alarm clock now.”
According to his roommates, Michael DiMarco had gone to Minto Sports Complex for an early morning workout and hadn’t returned.
In all my four years at this university not once has anyone mentioned the fact that we have a library! I’ve spent nights hunched over in dorm rooms, finishing essays by lamplight, paying for research from journals that I could have accessed for free?? I am livid.
Last week, for example, the club took a trip to the renowned Chez Ninety9, where, among
other delicacies, the group split a six-pack of deep-fried chicken morsels that club president Geoff Stache described as “almost tapa-like.”
History has been made by Dean Wels, a third-year student at the Telfer School of Management, who has somehow been placed on academic probation in the first week of school after winter break.
The philosophy student, an enigma to those around it, treats syllabus week as hunting season. Asserting dominance during introductory lectures is their only way of ensuring a successful semester.
‘“No matter what, you are one of us,’ was actually a jab at the university, meant to address the sheeple culture that plagues academic institutions,” Matt explained. “I figured they would just paint over it. But you know the U of O, always defying the conventional.”
It seems Health Canada is being run by toddlers. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the minors involved.
“The SFUO fully supports students’ right to smoke mouldy weed in the abandoned Brooks building,” the statement read. “All those who oppose this motion are obviously white supremacists.”
“I just… I just wanted to do my best to help these kids you know? I try so hard. I roll out of bed and come and stand in front of 300 students and ramble on about bonds and elements. But I didn’t know that my bond with the students was so non-existent” he sobbed.
The drivers were given OC Transpo swag, including a parka and thermos, which Watson explained: “(were) used to hold hot drinks, like green tea or hot kombucha.”
“I told my mom, if she can’t make the broccoli larvae, I’m moving out!” a first-year student, and off-campus resident told the Tomato. “I can’t go a day without it!”
The so-called “Page Runner” found in the Fulcrum’s latest feature, is none other than U of O president, Jacques Frémont. Frémont supposedly runs the page as a hobby of sorts and can frequently be found chuckling at his own memes at Board of Governors meetings.
Upon reaching out to Rivera for comment, the Tomato was told by her legal counsel that, “Ms. Rivera thought digging the tunnel would be a good floor bonding activity. Her intentions were innocent. If anything, she was doing those students a service, the manual labour helped some of them stave off the freshman fifteen.”
Now, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
