History has been made by Dean Wels, a third-year student at the Telfer School of Management, who has somehow been placed on academic probation in the first week of school after winter break.
The Tomato
The philosophy student, an enigma to those around it, treats syllabus week as hunting season. Asserting dominance during introductory lectures is their only way of ensuring a successful semester.
‘“No matter what, you are one of us,’ was actually a jab at the university, meant to address the sheeple culture that plagues academic institutions,” Matt explained. “I figured they would just paint over it. But you know the U of O, always defying the conventional.”
It seems Health Canada is being run by toddlers. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the minors involved.
“The SFUO fully supports students’ right to smoke mouldy weed in the abandoned Brooks building,” the statement read. “All those who oppose this motion are obviously white supremacists.”
“I just… I just wanted to do my best to help these kids you know? I try so hard. I roll out of bed and come and stand in front of 300 students and ramble on about bonds and elements. But I didn’t know that my bond with the students was so non-existent” he sobbed.
The drivers were given OC Transpo swag, including a parka and thermos, which Watson explained: “(were) used to hold hot drinks, like green tea or hot kombucha.”
“I told my mom, if she can’t make the broccoli larvae, I’m moving out!” a first-year student, and off-campus resident told the Tomato. “I can’t go a day without it!”
The so-called “Page Runner” found in the Fulcrum’s latest feature, is none other than U of O president, Jacques Frémont. Frémont supposedly runs the page as a hobby of sorts and can frequently be found chuckling at his own memes at Board of Governors meetings.
Upon reaching out to Rivera for comment, the Tomato was told by her legal counsel that, “Ms. Rivera thought digging the tunnel would be a good floor bonding activity. Her intentions were innocent. If anything, she was doing those students a service, the manual labour helped some of them stave off the freshman fifteen.”
Now, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
“Richie Lachic made a killing from the old show. At least, I think that’s where he got the money.”—Waduma Fais, SFUO vice-president social and series costar.
It seems the seasonal hits have been provoking insanity in employees and some patrons of the mall, with employees wandering the concourse with ugly seasonal sweaters in hand, mumbling about the upcoming Christmas party and claiming they need to prepare for boxing day.
Father & Sons, 1848, and La Maison serve as cornerstones for University of Ottawa nightlife, but recently these three establishments have been feuding over claims to U of O students.
After the incident with the ByWard bear, I realized that there’s a greater need I can fill than just being a trophy, or figurehead so to speak, I want to help other bears.
The Tomato talks with students concerned about the new trans fat ban and what effect this will have on their late-night binges.
Covering the walls of the tunnel were elaborate schematics of what the Tomato would soon find out is the Tornadorator 3000. In the corner, a small group of engineering student were hunched over scribbling designs; UberEats Mcdonald bags littered the floor.
Students have noticed the wall’s seeming preference for arts and social sciences students, noting its significant distaste for engineers.
What we saw was astounding. We found loads of professional-grade concert speakers set up all over the site, hooked up to one guy’s laptop playing “Epic Construction Ruckus Medley—10-hour Version” on YouTube.
In the wake of a recent incident involving a bear wandering freely through the streets of the Byward Market, the Tomato has uncovered startling new information that has Ottawa pawsing to reflect.
“Yep—every week, we polish the whole thing, from top to bottom,” nodded Alan Lee, head of the Social Science Task Force (SSTF). “Keeps it looking spiffy for when the O-Train gets here.”
Returning students at the University of Ottawa have a misguided and dangerously optimistic understanding of just how easy their second year will be.
It’s easy to tell who’s not in the know. They’re huddled together in large packs, attempting to stave off the cold, inappropriately dressed for the cold weather. They claim their moms were going to buy them a Canada Goose coat over Thanksgiving. It’s the first years.
“We used to buy regular lettuce for our weekly salads. Nowadays, you can’t walk into a store without bumping into mountains of kale and boxes of organic arugula. What’s wrong with regular ol’ lettuce?”
“Run! Hide! Burn the evidence!”
