“Lots of these memes have more policy meaning behind them than meets the eye.”—Good Guy Greg McDoge, meme interpreter.
The Tomato
“This might not be enough, the SFUO should seriously consider handing out free puppies and lattes to get students involved at GAs.”—Emily Smith, third-year economics student.
“I’m absolutely shocked at the outcome. The implications of this meeting could be felt for a very long time.”—Peter Ellis, a political science professor at the U of O.
On Nov. 6, Rabaska abruptly ended its relationship with the U of O student body, and people are having trouble coping with the loss.
“We’re thinking of just not showing up to classes for a few weeks from December to January. That should show them.”
In a surprising turn of events, students have been going up and hugging members of the SFUO, thanking them for years of scandal-free school.
Lots of Americans will be moving to Canada in the wake of Tuesday’s election. There’s just no way those were empty threats, they’re definitely going to do it and you need to be ready.
“I know for a fact bribery works, so I don’t understand how no one could have voted for me.”—Andrew Acheson, BOA candidate.
Starting Jan. 9, the U of O’s Department of Theatre will be launching a YouTube drama program, where students will get the opportunity to learn about the art of whining in front of a camera for 20 minutes.
After decrying the university’s lack of support for fair trade coffee, students took their disagreements outside. Across campus, spontaneous melees erupted as students hurled beverage cups at one another.
Candidates will be expected to submit their nominations and platforms no later than five days in the past.
“This app is state of the art technology. It has buttons, pictures, and at least three doohickeys.”
“My parents graduated summa cum laude from ByTowne Clown College. I guess I have some big shoes to fill.”
Reportedly, factors that lead to the U of O’s demotion on the global stage include the total lack of culturally appropriated yoga, hummus-free cafeterias, and Iced Capps at the campus Tim Horton’s.
Simon Drumpf, a third-year business student, thinks the system is broken, and that he is the only one that can make things better.
When asked about what he thought about the wall’s erection, Richard Head, a first-year sociology student, replied: “Haha, erection.”
As a result of the breakup, U of O president Jacques Frémont officially cancelled classes, calling for a campus-wide week of mourning instead.
One of the most popular suggestions was to increase the student government’s transparency. To prove that the executives take all suggestions seriously, the federation has made it mandatory for all SFUO members to be physically transparent.
Since its original publication on Monday, Harper’s blog post—titled “Doge, cats, and liberal bias: mass hysteria”—went viral and caught the attention of top players in the Tory leadership race.
Some faculties took preparations more seriously than others. The engineers dyed themselves purple to intimidate their foes, while the history students opted to read up on tactics used at past 101 Week skirmishes.
“We’re hoping to have the Apple headphones be so sleek and refined that they don’t even exist—try losing that!”—Tim Cook, Apple CEO.
“What excites me the most is Paris’ insight on the current government’s bilateral relations with foreign powers. In other words, I want more details on Trudeau’s bromance with Obama!” —Larry Finkelstein, third year arts student.
Many are saying that this new residence is an outright necessity, especially since this year’s U-Pass line has already claimed the lives of 57 students who have died of starvation, burst bladders, and sheer boredom.
A Siri-like feature is also in the works for Rabaska, where students can get the wrong information about their courses just by speaking into their phones.
These new positions include fireworks coordinator, private Uber driver, Pokémon GO tour guide, and many more.
