According to the Fart-Free Ontario Act, anyone caught passing gas outside their own private residence—at restaurants, bar patios, playgrounds, sports fields, or inside any non-domestic building—will be subject to hefty fines and public shaming by local law enforcement

An Interpol investigation has led to the arrest of the figure known as Santa Claus, who is now facing charges related to iden-tity fraud, among others.

After multiple incidences of students confusing the Faculty of Social Sciences (FSS) building with the restaurant Father and Sons (popularly known as F&S), the Coalition of Frustrated Students (CFS) has formed to advocate for a name change.

Recently, Sanrio, the company that manufactures Hello Kitty products, asserted that Hello Kitty is in fact a little girl, not a cat. This announcement has led to a wider discussion about the significance of Hello Kitty in our pop culture zeitgeist.

This year’s festivities have brought about controversy, as on-campus beard aficionados are butting heads with the U of O chapter of the United Pogonophobes Alliance (UPA). Pogonophobia is the scientific term for an extreme fear or hatred of beards. The UPA believes the Movember crowd is infringing upon the civil rights of local pogonophobes.

What’s truly terrifying about haters is that they cannot be easily identified. They could be anywhere at any time. They could be delivering our mail, policing our streets, teaching our children, all the while spreading their hateful manifestos unexpectedly to innocent and undeserving celebrities.

“We’re all thrilled about the idea of a super-powered royal baby,” said David McDonald, who runs “Will and Kate really let us down last time, so I feel that genetic modification is the logical route they should be taking this time around.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely concerned about the fate of oppressed minorities in the Middle East,” said business owner Brett Targus. “But I’m much more concerned about not knowing the fate of my favourite fictional characters in another war-torn hellhole: Westeros.”

“Before all else, we took the interests and well-being of our students into consideration while discussing the renovation plans,” said Robert Builder, president of the Office of Risk Management at the U of O. “Could we have broken ground in May when most students weren’t on campus? Absolutely, but that wouldn’t have made any sense.”

In a move that has shocked the world, the United States government has officially separated from Florida, effectively severing all economic, political, cultural, and even geographical ties with the country’s now former fourth-most populous state.

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