Currently, the SFUO is crashing on different friends’ couches and futons throughout the city until she can “get back on her feet.” According to one friend who wishes to remain anonymous, the SFUO is not a great roommate.
The Tomato
“It’s going to suck not being woken up to the sound of heavy machinery right outside my window,” claims Roberta Pebble, a second-floor resident of 90 University. “There’s really nothing like the sound of tons of gravel being poured on LRT track. I’ve grown to like it, I guess I’ll have to buy an alarm clock now.”
“I don’t want to go back to Ottawa, it’s cold, the dining hall food sucks, and I would have to get on a train for five hours. Back here, the fridge is fully stocked with stuff from Costco, my laundry gets folded and put away, and nothing has to ever change.”
A recent study led by University of Ottawa researcher Dr. Jarius Cross led to a shocking discovery. There was, collectively, zero reading done by U of O students during the winter semester reading week.
To commemorate the end of an era, MTV brought on former SFUO presidential candidate Oprah to host a lookback special of some of the SFUO’s most cherished moments.
According to his roommates, Michael DiMarco had gone to Minto Sports Complex for an early morning workout and hadn’t returned.
An independent investigation spurred by recent releases of Fyre Festival documentaries, has revealed that student unions were behind the whole thing. Samantha Odd and Angel Shawarma, the lead investigators, held a press conference earlier this week.
The challenge, which ran from Feb. 4 to 10, resulted in a higher lack of productivity than usual, with only three of 23 councillor seats occupied throughout the week. (Councillors who were not part of the challenge still used it as an excuse for their absences).
There was no mistaking it for Betty DeGrudge when, on a blustery, snow-covered Thursday morning, she finished her long drive in from the outskirts of the city, crossing over the Laurier Avenue bridge and into University of Ottawa territory: students are such a pain-in-the-ass.
After binge-watching all eight episodes of Tidying Up With Marie Kondo, a third-year U of O student went on a cleaning-spree. But it seems that she’s taken Kondo’s advice a little too seriously.
Jane Drummond, the student in question, has been on a “rampage” according to her concerned roommates Kristopher Trent and Jennifer Fremont.
In all my four years at this university not once has anyone mentioned the fact that we have a library! I’ve spent nights hunched over in dorm rooms, finishing essays by lamplight, paying for research from journals that I could have accessed for free?? I am livid.
Last week, for example, the club took a trip to the renowned Chez Ninety9, where, among
other delicacies, the group split a six-pack of deep-fried chicken morsels that club president Geoff Stache described as “almost tapa-like.”
History has been made by Dean Wels, a third-year student at the Telfer School of Management, who has somehow been placed on academic probation in the first week of school after winter break.
The philosophy student, an enigma to those around it, treats syllabus week as hunting season. Asserting dominance during introductory lectures is their only way of ensuring a successful semester.
‘“No matter what, you are one of us,’ was actually a jab at the university, meant to address the sheeple culture that plagues academic institutions,” Matt explained. “I figured they would just paint over it. But you know the U of O, always defying the conventional.”
It seems Health Canada is being run by toddlers. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the minors involved.
“The SFUO fully supports students’ right to smoke mouldy weed in the abandoned Brooks building,” the statement read. “All those who oppose this motion are obviously white supremacists.”
“I just… I just wanted to do my best to help these kids you know? I try so hard. I roll out of bed and come and stand in front of 300 students and ramble on about bonds and elements. But I didn’t know that my bond with the students was so non-existent” he sobbed.
The drivers were given OC Transpo swag, including a parka and thermos, which Watson explained: “(were) used to hold hot drinks, like green tea or hot kombucha.”
“I told my mom, if she can’t make the broccoli larvae, I’m moving out!” a first-year student, and off-campus resident told the Tomato. “I can’t go a day without it!”
The so-called “Page Runner” found in the Fulcrum’s latest feature, is none other than U of O president, Jacques Frémont. Frémont supposedly runs the page as a hobby of sorts and can frequently be found chuckling at his own memes at Board of Governors meetings.
Upon reaching out to Rivera for comment, the Tomato was told by her legal counsel that, “Ms. Rivera thought digging the tunnel would be a good floor bonding activity. Her intentions were innocent. If anything, she was doing those students a service, the manual labour helped some of them stave off the freshman fifteen.”
Now, the Tomato has become aware of what can only be considered the next logical step in both the utter democratic degeneration and persistently amusing decision-making of the Student Federation of the University of Ottawa (SFUO) and its handful of (former) executives.
“Richie Lachic made a killing from the old show. At least, I think that’s where he got the money.”—Waduma Fais, SFUO vice-president social and series costar.
It seems the seasonal hits have been provoking insanity in employees and some patrons of the mall, with employees wandering the concourse with ugly seasonal sweaters in hand, mumbling about the upcoming Christmas party and claiming they need to prepare for boxing day.
